just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
