It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
