my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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