Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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