I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
