Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
