My room smells like vodka and shame
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
