There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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