woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
