I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
4 words: hood of his car
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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