u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
