I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
