We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
