Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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