There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
