U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
