...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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