I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Randomize
