this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
