if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
