I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How does it feel to date your dad?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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