meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
