Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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