In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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