I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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