3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i think i just lost a toe
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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