I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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