I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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