i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
