Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
