If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
