god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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