I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
