Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
