I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
