No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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