While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
