New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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