I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
