Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
