all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
