I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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