I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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