turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
