at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
