broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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