wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
