Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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