Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
