i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
