Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
