you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
