my soul wont recognize me after tonight
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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