I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
