Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you didnt know i had herpes?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
