When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
