I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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