You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
