there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
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Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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